A therapist’s guide to choosing therapy in Ontario when everyone’s profile is starting to sound exactly the same
You have decided you might want to go to therapy.
Amazing.
You open Google. Or Psychology Today. Or, perhaps, have a little convo with ChatGPT.
And suddenly you have seventeen tabs open and every therapist seems to specialize in anxiety, trauma, relationships, self-esteem, life transitions, boundaries, burnout, and somehow also everything else.
One person does CBT. Another says they’re attachment-focused. Someone else mentions IFS, EMDR, DBT, somatic therapy, psychodynamic therapy and something you have never heard of in your life.
At some point, finding a therapist starts to feel like a task you need a therapist to help you complete.
And if you already feel overwhelmed, anxious, burnt out, or like you are carrying approximately twelve people’s emotional wellbeing on your back, this is not exactly an ideal system.
So let’s make it easier.
Do I need to know what kind of therapy I need?
No.
One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the idea that you need to arrive at therapy already knowing exactly what kind of therapy you need.
You don’t.
You might not know whether what you’re experiencing is anxiety, attachment trauma, burnout, a nervous system that has been running on high alert for years, or the cumulative impact of relationships in which you learned that keeping everyone else happy was the safest way to stay connected.
You might just know:
I don’t want to keep feeling like this.
That’s enough information to begin.
Instead of starting with:
Do I need CBT or IFS or psychodynamic therapy?
Try starting with:
What keeps happening in my life that I want help understanding or changing?
Maybe you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners even though you can spot an emotionally unavailable person from approximately three postal codes away.
Maybe you know intellectually that you don’t need everyone’s approval, but disappointing someone still sends your entire nervous system into a crash out.
Maybe you’re incredibly competent at work and completely exhausted by the amount of effort it takes to appear that competent.
Maybe your childhood was “fine.”
And yet somehow you became an adult who feels responsible for everyone’s emotions except your own.
Those are useful places to start.
Part of a therapist’s job is helping you understand what might be happening underneath the symptoms—not expecting you to diagnose yourself before you walk through the door.
Does the type of therapy actually matter?
Yes.
And also: the acronym isn’t the whole story.
Different therapeutic approaches are built around different understandings of how people change.
Cognitive therapies may focus more directly on thoughts and behaviours. Psychodynamic therapy might explore unconscious patterns, earlier relationships and how the past continues to show up in the present. Somatic approaches pay attention to what’s happening in the body and nervous system. Attachment-focused therapy considers how our earlier experiences of connection can shape what we expect from relationships later.
There can also be considerable overlap between approaches.
But something else matters too:
The relationship you build with your therapist.
Research on psychotherapy has consistently found an association between the therapeutic alliance—the sense of trust, collaboration and shared direction between therapist and client—and psychotherapy outcomes across different approaches.
In other words:
You can find someone trained in exactly the modality you Googled and still discover that you don’t feel understood by them.
And you are allowed to care about that. I matters.
Therapy asks you to bring incredibly vulnerable parts of yourself into a relationship with another human being. Feeling respected, not judged, understood, and able to collaborate with that person matters.
How do I know if a therapist actually specializes in what I need?
This is where I would encourage you to look beyond the giant list of issues on someone’s directory profile.
Look at what they actually talk about.
Read their website.
Look at their training.
Read something they’ve written or watch something they’ve created.
Do they seem to understand your experience beyond simply listing your concern under “Issues I Treat”?
Someone who genuinely works extensively with attachment trauma, for example, should be able to explain what attachment wounds can look like in adulthood, how they understand those patterns, and how that understanding influences what happens in therapy.
Ask all of the questions.
A therapist shouldn’t be offended because you want to understand their training or why they think their approach could help you.
You’re considering trusting this person with some extraordinarily vulnerable parts of your life.
You get to interview us too.
What should I ask during a therapy consultation?
You don’t need to show up with a clipboard.
But there are a few questions that can tell you considerably more than:
What modalities do you use?
You might ask:
“How would you approach someone experiencing what I’m experiencing?”
Or:
“What does attachment-focused therapy actually look like in a session?”
Or even:
“I’ve done therapy before and understand why I do these things, but I still keep doing them. How would you work with that?”
That last question, especially, can tell you a lot.
Because insight can be incredibly powerful.
But sometimes knowing why you learned a pattern doesn’t automatically make your nervous system stop doing it.
And you’re allowed to ask about the practical things too: fees, availability, scheduling, cancellation policies, virtual versus in-person appointments and insurance receipts.
Practical fit is still fit.
How do I know if a therapist is a good fit?
After the consultation, pay attention to something much less clinical.
How did you feel talking to them?
Did you feel listened to?
Did you feel rushed?
Could you imagine disagreeing with this person?
Did they seem genuinely curious about you, or did it feel like they had already decided what your problem was?
Did you feel like you were talking with someone rather than being analyzed by someone?
Did you feel like you had to perform being the “good client”?
Because that last one might be particularly important if performing, people-pleasing and anticipating what other people need are some of the reasons you’re coming to therapy in the first place.
You aren’t necessarily looking for someone you’ll never feel uncomfortable with.
Therapy sometimes is uncomfortable. Growing is uncomfortable.
You’re looking for someone with whom discomfort can eventually become something you can explore together.
Is it okay to talk to more than one therapist before choosing one?
Absolutely.
A consultation isn’t a commitment. It’s curiosity.
You can talk to more than one therapist.
You can ask questions.
You can decide someone seems wonderful but isn’t your person.
You can even start working with someone and later realize the fit isn’t right.
That isn’t failing therapy.
Choosing a therapist is an unusual process because you’re simultaneously looking for professional competence and a relationship in which you can eventually feel safe enough to be known.
What you’re looking for is someone who has relevant training and experience, whose way of understanding people makes sense to you, and with whom you can imagine building enough trust to do meaningful work.
What if I’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t work?
That doesn’t necessarily tell us that therapy doesn’t work for you.
The therapeutic relationship, timing, approach, goals, therapist’s area of expertise or simply what was happening in your life at the time can all affect your experience.
And sometimes people come to me having already developed enormous insight.
They know exactly why they people-please.
They understand their attachment style.
They can trace their relationship patterns back three generations.
And they’re still doing the thing.
Because understanding a survival strategy intellectually and feeling safe enough to stop using it are not necessarily the same process.
That’s often where deeper attachment-focused, relational and body-aware work can become useful.
Can I see an attachment therapist virtually in Ontario?
Yes.
Virtual psychotherapy can make it possible to work with a therapist elsewhere in Ontario rather than limiting your search to whoever happens to practise within driving distance, subject to the therapist’s regulatory and practice requirements.
Research suggests that psychotherapy delivered through videoconferencing can produce outcomes comparable to in-person therapy for many people and concerns. Research has also found similar therapeutic-alliance outcomes in some comparisons of videoconferencing and face-to-face psychotherapy, although that does not mean every person, concern or therapeutic approach will have an identical experience in either format.
Ultimately, the right format can depend on your needs, accessibility, privacy, preferences and what feels sustainable for you.
What should I look for in an attachment-focused therapist?
I’d look for someone who understands attachment as more than categorizing you as anxious, avoidant, secure or disorganized.
Attachment work can involve understanding what happened inside relationships and how those experiences shaped what your nervous system expects from relationships now.
That means the relationship you develop with your therapist can become part of the work itself.
You’re not simply learning about attachment.
You’re getting an opportunity to notice what happens when you have needs, disagree, set a boundary, feel disappointed, become vulnerable, take up space, or allow another person to really see you.
And potentially experience something different.
That is where attachment therapy can become something much more interesting than an attachment-style quiz.
We could open a magazine for that.
How do I find a therapist for attachment trauma and relationship patterns in Ontario?
Look for a registered mental health professional who works specifically with attachment trauma, developmental or relational trauma, and recurring relationship patterns.
Beyond checking credentials, look at how they conceptualize these concerns, their specific training, the population they work with, and whether their therapeutic approach matches what you’re hoping to understand or change.
If you already understand your patterns intellectually but continue to experience them emotionally or physically, you may also want to ask prospective therapists how they work beyond insight or changing thoughts alone.
And perhaps most importantly, remember that finding a therapist isn’t only about finding someone whose credentials look right on paper.
You’re looking for someone with whom you can begin building a relationship where curiosity, honesty, disagreement, vulnerability and change have somewhere to exist.
If you’re looking for an attachment-focused therapist in Ontario
This is one of the primary areas of my own practice.
I’m Ferris Amaro, MA, RP (Q), CCTP-I and an Attachment Trauma Treatment Specialist.
I work with women across Ontario who are often incredibly insightful about themselves and still find themselves caught in patterns they can’t intellectualize their way out of.
That might look like anxiety in relationships, people-pleasing, perfectionism, burnout, difficulty setting boundaries, feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, family-of-origin wounds, or repeatedly finding yourself in relationships that leave you wondering:
Why am I here again?
My approach is attachment-focused, relational, psychodynamic, somatic, trauma-informed and feminist.
Our work isn’t about finding another thing that’s “wrong” with you.
It’s about becoming curious about what your patterns have been doing for you, where they came from, what your nervous system learned about safety and connection—and whether those ways of surviving still fit the life you’re trying to build now.
Curious whether we might be a good fit?
I offer a complimentary 30-minute discovery session where you can tell me a little about what you’re looking for, ask questions about how I work, and get a feel for what it might be like to sit together in therapy.
Book a Complimentary Discovery Session